So you did it. You finally are about to cry. Maybe you’re crying because the Governor just made porn illegal. Maybe it’s because your favorite show, CBS’ Laughter, just got cancelled. Maybe it’s because your dad gave you one final birthday present before disappearing into the wheat forever.
And maybe, just maybe, that birthday present was a brand new Huffy Stunt Bike. If so, you’ve got some surprisingly good news: Here are 5 tricks you can do on your bike to stop your face from the embarrassment of doing a Wet Scrunch.
5. Seagull’s Delight
For this trick, you will just need a bike that can stay up in the clouds for 90 seconds (falling out of a plane with the bike straddled between your quaking thighs will also work). Simply stretch your arms out and pray for feathers. Here is how the Feather Prayer goes (I don’t have it in the original Latin):
Uptown, funk you up / Uptown funk you up (say whaaaat?)
Saturday night and we’re in the spot / Don’t believe me just watch
(80-second dance break)
4. Think about it
I dunno man, bike tricks are hard to come up with. I mean, the last one probably killed anyone who read it, if they didn’t have an adult guardian to stop them. Let’s think first.
What would be a cool trick that you could do that wouldn’t also make you think of Poppo? It’s his bike too, which really makes this hard. I mean, it’s your present, but it was his money. It’ll never be your bike no matter how hard you try and rub his stink off on a wall.
3. Rub it
Rub the back tire on the wall, really scrape off that Deadbeat Stench. You can imagine him picking it up at the Huffy Emporium, can’t you? Grabbing the back tire in his big meaty paw, yelling at the nearest Huffy technician to “wrap this miniature toy for bugs in the smallest saran wrap strip you’ve got for my 2-centimeter tall child.”
What dad never bothered to learn about you was that you were normal height. Normal! He didn’t take an interest in any of your 5'11" activities, like electric guitar or museums. He just wanted to distract you with a stunt bike and run until the horizon finally claimed his towering form. Dads shouldn’t get that big! He probably could have walked into a forest, looked right at an owl’s nest straight in the eyes, and said “Mine now.” That should be impossible. So really, it’s good he’s gone and we don’t have to think about how scary this is.
The rubbing has become stimulating. Let’s not do this cool trick.
2. Spray the Cross Upon Which Our Lord Died For Our Sins
Pretty self-explanatory, just get to the cross (in Jerusalem, dummy) and go absolutely buck-wild with your rattlin’ cans. Make them rattlers hiss until they hiss no more and you just gotta chuck ’em in the trash. When it’s black, then the world will understand your pain. There’s a Rolling Stones song about painting it black that has something to do with this. But it didn’t funk anyone up like Uptown Funk, so you can’t sing it when you fall out of a plane.
I would suggest you bike to Jerusalem, that way this can still be a trick. And probably, you’ll come up with cool tricks along the way.
1. Bike Back From Jerusalem With the Holy Ghost
This is a concept I think everyone can get behind: When you set a lap record for getting to Jerusalem on your bike, you get the chance to race your ghost and go faster this time to try and beat it. You’ll have come across this situation if you’ve ever played a kart game or run for Governor.
Well, now it’s time to head back home with your new friend, and best of all, they’ve got the same fingers, the same eyelashes, and the same bike as you. Only they’re one semi-opaque color and their tongue was taken out in accordance with Ghost Law.
You never needed your tremendously large father anyway. All he’s ever given you is two wheels, a name and despair. With your new best buddy, you can do stunt tricks and frolic in the vast ocean that separates Jerusalem from wherever the hell you came from. In fact, I bet you don’t need me either. Look at you, smiling with your hideous translucent doppelgänger. You’re like peas in a pod, you two. Do some of the tricks you came up with on the way over. I sure as shit don’t know any! I only made up the first one because I wanted you to think I was cool. But now I bet you know them all, don’t you, you smug bastard? You’re a speedy little ramp demon, aren’t you?
Oh fuuuuuuuuuuck you. FUUUUUUUUUUUCK you and your ramp trick. Of course you had to learn that without telling me.
Now you’re just rubbing it in. You could have hurled Dad’s Rubber Circles of Abandonment over any box, but it just had to be the one I keep all my worldly possessions in. My toothbrush, my pet rat, my bar of long-since-expired Clif. It’s all a game to you, isn’t it, you ramp clown? You’re such a piece of shit. I’m ashamed that I helped you become the monster you are.
Get out of here! Both of you, go! Don’t look back at me and my tears! I’ll never stop thinking of you!
I love you!