Attention Jamzo Shareholders: Jamzo The Kick-Ass Hamster Has Tested Positive for Dork Cancer
Ladies and gentlemen of the board, it pains me to bring you this news, but in the interest of full transparency, we are not looking at a positive 3rd quarter for Jamzo the Kick-Ass Hamster.
Shortly after his winning performance at the X-Games, Jamzo underwent a routine post-competition checkup and he has tested positive for Dork Cancer. It’s common in extremely dope hamsters, especially in their later years, and we don’t yet know whether it’s metastasized or if we’ve caught it early enough. Doctors want to run some more tests before they decide how to proceed with operations, or, worst-case scenario, final preparations.
Please. Cheryl, please don’t cry. Alan, don’t leave. There’s good news to go with this bad news. Hiroko, please calm down. Let me finish, everyone.
The X-Games really did go well for us. Contracts with Nike, Axe and Doritos have already been renewed by the relevant parties and if they decide to pull out, they will need proof that Jamzo has failed to comply with his duties as brand ambassador or they will face serious legal action. His agent successfully negotiated reduced hours during key photoshoots and product launches, and we knocked four stops off Jamzo’s Fuckin’ Baller-Ass Stuntz Tour 2017. That’s Cincinatti, Cleveland, Indianapolis and Montpelier. Luckily, this is precisely when doctors want Jamzo to come back in for a second round of Dork Scans, so if they reveal malignant lameness, there’s time to treat it.
As for meet-and-greets, Doritos already cancelled the Crunch Me Jamzo contest, so Jamzo won’t have to slam it up with any fans — but they are demanding a boosted presence on Instagram and Snapchat. We are in a third round of addendum notes on this contract, but it looks like Doritos is going to get what they want. So here’s the kicker: While he’s undergoing dingus treatment, he will need a highly dedicated team to manage his social.
The crown jewel in Jamzo’s empire of Gnar is his social outreach. Up until now, it’s all been him. And fans can sense that genuine, laid-back style. His brand is so strong he can cut through any #spon hashtag and still get killer reach across many verticals. But doctors have expressly advised us to keep him away from his accounts while he’s in recovery, as he simply won’t be dope enough to post. Any added strain on Jamzo’s part to appear dope could be extremely detrimental to his health, and he’d also just come off sounding super-wack on his feed.
Ladies and gentlemen of the board, I have hired the very best to take care of this. Boys, do you want me to play your music now, or…
Ok. Let me find it here. It’s this Drake song, right? Okay, I’m getting it up on Spotify. Any second now. Okay, it’s ready. Here we go, sorry about that.
All right, one more time, members of the board, please welcome your new social team for Jamzo:
The Underground!
The Underground has gone through a bit of rebranding, you may know them as The Syndicate of Shred or Get You a Girl Who Can Optimize Both. However, their passion for energizing social media strategies while maintaining authenticity is untouched, and unparalleled. As you can see, they’re all ex-skaters who have competed in top-class championships, so they eat sleep and breathe the language of the world that Jamzo and his followers occupy. Let’s introduce the team one-by…
Whoa, watch out there Cheryl, you might want to…in fact, everyone please take any laptops or glasses of water off of the table during the presentation. Thank you. Sorry boys, continue.
Okay, so here’s Stephen Morello, aka “Gramdaddy.”
He’s the leader of The Underground, and he’ll be heading up Jamzo’s Instagram. Gramdaddy has optimized accounts for Rihanna, Adele, and a group of Australian prank YouTubers your kids might know as Ducky Bimbar Sheez. Welcome Gramdaddy to the JamFam everyone.
Don’t save it til the end people, let ’em hear it. Hiroko, please clap.
Next we have Warren Valdez, but he likes to go by the name of “Snapdaddy.”
It says here “Warren has killed and will kill again. He will bleed for this company and kill others to bleed for it as well. Blood is just two letters removed from ‘Good.’ Get ready to die, here comes Warren Valdez, a known murderer with a penchant for escape.” That’s pretty intense, but we know he just means he will apply that intensity to Jamzo’s Snapchat account. Everyone, feed Snapdaddy your applause so he can grow even stronger.
Yes Sanjit, I’m sure you have seen him on the news. I only hire the best.
And last but not least, here comes Douglas Phan!
Douglas Phan, codename “Jazz Cobra,” is the demolitions expert of the crew. He’s a bit of a wild card, which means if you’re trying to pick a locked door in a guarded building, you can expect him to blow up the back wall without asking permission first. He may trigger the alarms and throw your plan out the window, but goddammit you can’t deny the guy gets results. We will think of things for Jazz Cobra to do while Warren and Stephen get to work on Jamzo’s social. He has a lot of dynamite and really wants to use it, so maybe at one of Jamzo’s scheduled appearances we can do a stunt jump over an exploding 747.
Please, please, please think of ways to keep Jazz Cobra useful. Make it your top action item. This is of paramount importance, perhaps even more so than Jamzo’s speedy recovery.
Let me turn this Drake song off. Okay guys, please olly off the table.
At this point we’re going to go around the room for questions. Does anyone have any questions for me, or The Underground?
Yes, Hiroko?
Oh, right, I suppose that’s the elephant in the room. I should have addressed that up top: Jamzo will almost certainly die.
This is going to be my last Medium article for a little while. When I return, I’ll hopefully have some good news that I can share with you guys. Thanks for reading and sharing.
