Captain Chews Out Trump and Bannon For Blowing Up 9 City Blocks, Arresting Mayor
“TRUMP! BANNON!” Screamed Captain Mattis earlier this morning from the open door of his office. “GET YOUR ASSES IN HERE NOW!”
As sources would later confirm, this outburst from the Captain was indeed related to the duo’s earlier performance during the St. Patrick’s Day Parade, when a lone gunman shot up a mosque and got away scot-free.
“Shut the door before I shut it with your dick,” the Captain growled as 20-year detectives Trump and Bannon sauntered in, holding their cups of shitty break room coffee.
“That’s gonna take all day, Cap,” cracked Trump as Bannon ran his hand through his greasy hair. “And if Bannon watches he’s gotta pay $50.”
“What’s this fascination you got with me watchin’ you get jerked off by the Captain?” Retorted Bannon with a wry smile. “You got some issues, man, maybe you need some therapy.”
“Well whaddya know, my therapist charges $50 a session.”
“Don’t say another fuckin’ word. Either of you. I am up to my ears in shit from the Chief’s office after the stunt you two pulled today.”
“Ah come on Captain,” groaned Bannon after another gulp of coffee. “We were eradicating terrorism. We got results.”
“YOU FIRED YOUR GODDAMN HAND CANNONS ACROSS 9 CITY BLOCKS, BLEW UP AN ARMORED CAR, AND ARRESTED THE MAYOR!”
“I heard him yell ‘Allahu Akhbar.’ Trump heard it too.”
Trump already became preoccupied with squeezing the Captain’s bright blue stress ball, well-worn and lumpy from overuse. “Hm, what? Oh, yeah. Allah Akhbar, death to America, the whole nine yards. Captain, you gotta get this thing looked at, lumps are the first sign of a problem.”
“There he goes again with the genitalia obsession.”
The Captain, at this point, was so livid he could barely use his inside voice. “The. Mayor. Is. Muslim. The. Killer. You. Were. Looking. For. Was. A. White. Nationalist. 27-year-old.”
Trump looked at Bannon. Bannon looked at Trump. A long, awkward silence filled the room.
Trump spoke first: “Is he talking slow for your benefit, or mine?”
Bannon smiled into his cup of coffee. “If you have to ask…”
“THAT’S IT!” Yelled Capt. Mattis. “You’re both riding the fuckin’ desk for a month! A MONTH!” He repeated louder, just as Trump was about to open his mouth in protest.
The two renegade cops took this as their invitation to leave the office, but the Captain continued yelling after them. “And if you racially profile another innocent man when one of your biggest fanboys shoots up a mosque, you’re gonna need to check your balls for more than lumps, you assholes. You’re going to need to check your balls to see if they’re still fuckin’ there!”
“Cheer up, Don,” said Bannon, scarfing down day-old Chinese takeout. “It’s February. We’re riding the desk for the shortest month of the year.”
That seemed to bring Trump out of his funk a little bit, though it didn’t keep him from slouching at his desk while nursing a flask of whiskey.
“Think I can learn to push pencils with my dick?” Trump snorted.
“Jesus, you and the Captain were made for each other,” said Bannon, slapping Trump on the back as he made his way to the file room. “I’m gonna dig up that old case on completely fucking destroying America from the inside, see if we can’t make any headway.”
