Carp Jumps Ramp
BULLSHIT COUNTY, CO — In what I refuse to believe is a real story, an unidentified fish apparently completed a rollerskate trick off of a ramp. I have been sent out on assignment to some no-name town in Colorado to cover this crap.
Here is a photo of the stupid ramp.
It took all day to find it. I can’t tell you how many insufferable bed-and-breakfasts I went to, inquiring about local ramp whereabouts. There was one other ramp I camped out at for two hours before some dumb locals came by and told me it wasn’t the fish ramp.
So yeah, after all that time, here it is. Great ramp, everyone. It’s real, and I’m putting down $100,000 that it’s the only real thing about this sh —
OHHHHHHH, WHAT’S THE MATTER YOU DUMBASS FUCKIN FISH???
DIDN’T GET ENOUGH SPEED TO GO OFF YOUR LITTLE BABY RAMP??
YOU GONNA CRY ABOUT IT? GONNA CRY, YOU LITTLE SHIT FISH?
I AM A JOURNALIST. I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR THIS. I SHOULD BE WRITING FOR VICE. WHAT DID YOU DO, HUH? THOUGHT YOU COULD JUST FLOP INTO A ROLLERSKATE AND MAKE THE NEWS?
FUCK YOU.
FUCK. YOU.
SLITHER BACK INTO YOUR PUDDLE OF MEDIOCRITY YOU MAGNIFICENT DUMBFUCK
I DON’T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU INSIDE A SKATE AGAIN
YOU AND THIS TOWN WERE MADE FOR EACH OTHER, YOU PATRON SAINT OF LOW EXPECTATIONS
I HOPE THE HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL TEAM MAKES YOU THEIR MASCOT AND THEY DIE IN A BUS CRASH
