Great Gifts For Father’s Day

Father’s Day isn’t even around the corner — it’s here! Run away from Dad and get to the store to grab him his favorite gadgets.

Dad with his latest unfathomable contraption

Here are the Supreme Dad Gizmos for this year’s unstoppable Father’s Day:

• A time machine
• So that you
• Would never
• Be born
• Keurig® Skinnygirl Americano Coffee Pods
• All 12 Collectible Swift Boat Veterans For Truth
• Relaxed gender roles
• A truck that sits inside of the flatbed of another truck, for those hard-to-truck places
• Breitbart.com Coffee Mug
• Opera jorts
• A lock of LightsCameraJackson’s hair — real hair from America’s most precocious teen-boy film critic, complete with certificate of authenticity
• The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part I on Blu-Ray/DVD
• Hate Oil
• Shoulder Wax
• LA Lights sneakers that play The Killers’ “When You Were Young,” starting over from the top every time you take another step
• A printed-out meme about “Doggos” or whatever infantilized bullshit you 30-year-old children are half-ironically into these days
• Breakfast in Bed in Denny’s — transplant Dad’s bed to Denny’s while he’s sleeping
• A wooden pallet stained with hobo cum
• “Smash the Patriarchy” Christmas Tie
• Change the house’s wifi password to “Dadsux”
• One (1) cartwheel
• Tape over your 4th grade dance recital with two back-to-back episodes of “Rollercoasters: The First-Person Experience” (let him watch you do this so he knows for sure you’re recording over it)
• Chipotle Hammer
• A footlong sheet of jam
• A ticket to a week’s vacation at The Entrapment Experience — learn how to writhe underneath lasers in a catsuit a la Catherine Zeta-Jones from Entrapment
• Get Mom off the roof
• But don’t just let Mom wander over there
• Keep Mom OUT OF THE NEIGHBOR’S BACKYA
• You know what just put Mom back on the roof
• Gallon Jug of Duck Butter
• Backstage passes for a Panic! At the Disco meet-and-greet
• Emergency Tag-Team Dad which is just a dog in sunglasses, standing on a skateboard in constant motion
• Rock-hard traps and lats, firm glutes and diamond calves baby
• 35mm print of Delgo
• Chef’s apron that reads “Kiss the chef — and also, do not meddle with the natural fabric of time, in the hopes that you erase your miserable children from the best years of your life. The universe, in all its cosmic irony, will find a way to return your unspent seed to the fold of existence. If you have made it to the bottom of this apron, please kill me”

Happy Father’s Day!