I’m Upset That My Legion of YouTube Followers Is Called “Dork Moms”
Every internet legend is nothing without their army of fans. Pewdiepie has his Bros. Jake Paul has his Jake Paulers. And I, webtube hyperstar Brian Firenzi, have my Dork Moms.
Why are they called Dork Moms? I didn’t ask for this. It’s not on brand with my swag-a-fuck-tatious content. I don’t vlog for dorks and I certainly do not stream for moms. While I am grateful for every fan I get, and have no problem with dorks or moms gorging on my feed, they are not the target group by any measure. In fact, I gave my marketing team a full list of acceptable names for my cohesive universe of fans and followers:
ACCEPTABLE NAMES FOR MY FAN GROUP
- FireFighters
- BryGuys
- Prim Stargazers
- Bodacious Buzz Lightyears
- Content Gobblers
- Autumnal Lugnuts
- Eric
- Shiznit Consortium
- Cigarette Smokers
- Cigar Smokers
- Cool Smokers
- Vape Patrol
- Nicoteenz
- Lung-Poppin’ Daddies
- Horatio Hornblowers
- Dork Moms
- Stiff Bizkits? Now I’ve Truly Seen It All, Every Bizkit
- Jizz Spinsters
- Firenzinators
- Thumbelinas
- Many Bees
- Gathered Flock
- Sperm Count
- Tankbusters
- Merch Purchasers
- Pocket Rockets
- Dearly Beloved
- Alt-Right Dipshits With Anime Avatars, Like Clockwork, Every Time
- Stankonians
- Strom Thurmonds
- Phitness Phreaks
- List Article Enjoyers
- Los Angeles Clippers
- BramFam
- BimBam
- BarmFarm
- Farm Family
- Flame Frame
- Blame Flame
- Blimp Flame
- Hindenburgers
- Burger Babies
- THE FUCKING HINDENBURG
All right, I see that “Dork Moms” was in that list. So that’s my bad. But still, it was a big list, and they landed on “Dork Moms”? No love for “Many Bees” or “Cool Smokers”?
Worse, all my merch is changing because of the outrageously successful switch to this new fan group name.
All of these are selling like absolute hotcakes and I’m screaming with my lips and throat!
I do endless flips and chin-ups in my tastefully appointed Santa Monica Blvd. Dunk Mansion, bellowing with rage while my Crew films me for our daily LifeVids. I am so upset and shirtless over this rebranding — it’s not what I got into YouTube for. I’m so buffed and freshly scrubbed from these tribulations that I could do a furious stunt off the roof into our Swag Pool right now, but my legion of Dork Moms would just fave and share it even more!
Goddamn you Dork Moms! Goddamn you World!
