I’ve Signed Up for the New Social Media Site, Gormmmmm333~ss

Brian Firenzi
4 min readNov 23, 2022

Everyone’s fleeing Twitter like it’s the end of the film Lincoln and Lincoln just straight-up died. But what social media app are we all gonna run into, like the theater everyone runs into at the start of the movie Lincoln?

First we all tried Mastodon. And how much of a failure was that? Well, let me put it this way: It only lasted for as long as the actual mastodons did! So basically, we stayed on the app for about 3 or 4 million years. But then we got majorly bored with its toots and had to ditch it.

Now there’s this new one called Hive, and I dunno man. Why can’t you toot on it like you could with Mastodon? I spent the last 1.74 million years on Mastodon (I was a latecomer, I know) and I just got used to its features. So sue me!

I’ll tell you what: There’s a brand-new social media app that everyone’s talking about. It’s for immortals only, which is cool since that basically means most of us. And you can’t sign up unless you get an invite from a little roach, which happened to me!!!!!!!

See, there’s only one creature in the entire world that lives longer than us: You guessed it, it’s frequent NBA Finals losers the roaches, and they wanted to make us a fresh new app that caters to our needs. They designed it in one feverish night after losing the NBA Finals (again) to the Spurs. This was especially enraging because bugs often get their shit wrecked by a cowboy’s spur. So they put on little bug glasses like a nerd and made this:

Gormmmmm333~ss is the brand new social media space where teens, adults, and people so old they transcend time with their pure white eyes can all hang and share fables. I’ll show you some of the lingo:

If you want to re-post someone’s awesome Gormmmmm, it’s not a re-tweet: It’s a rrrGGGGGGGGm>>>>>. I’m pretty sure they meant for that to say “Re-Gorm,” but the little guys just couldn’t quite make the leap from the “G” key to the “O.” They did it when they made the title of the app, but I guess they must have gotten tired.

If you want to show someone that you liked their Gormmmmm, just hit the little roach symbol next to the rrrGGGGGGGGm>>>>> symbol.

This is known as the “Rmmmbnng” and I’ll just assume that means “Rim Bang.” So when you Rim Bang a friend’s Gormmmmm, they might come around and give you a Rim Bang too!

The app has already been in all your favorite phone stores, and it’s the toast of the town. I’m currently the only human on it and all the roaches got together and made one account as well.

It’s just us right now and I’m being pretty mean in my bio. I guess I’m a little frustrated because I was talking to humans on Mastodon for countless millennia and right now there aren’t really any people signing up. But I know I took it too far because they already sent me a DM telling me to stop. However, on Gormmmmm333~ss, Direct Messages are known as “~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!”s and the “~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!” they sent me literally just says “~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ssssssp.” So I don’t really know what they meant and I don’t care. They can try and get in my mouth all they like, I’m never opening it again for anyone! I don’t care who I offend with my bad-taste Gormmmmms. You don’t like it? Don’t Rim Bang it. Don’t like my free speech attitude? Then don’t ooooOOOOOO99999999 me!

That’s follow, by the way. “ooooOOOOOO99999999” is “follow” on Gormmmmm333~ss. You’ll get used to it when you finally be my friend.