Lab in Disney+ Headquarters Reports Sudden Outbreak of Star Wars Shows

MANHATTAN — As COVID-19 cases surge around the country and hospitals are forced to turn ambulances away, more grim news is on the horizon: Scientists at Disney Plus headquarters have proven unable to contain the strain of Star Wars shows originally developed in 2020, recommending immediate national quarantine.

The Novel Groguvirus, or GROVID-20, “has metastasized beyond control” says Brad Wilson, Disney Plus’ executive VP of performance marketing. “As we speak, I am currently the leading role of a new Star Wars show and am forced to stay at home to prevent any interesting plotlines from developing. I can assure you, the rest of my family is safe and secure, and we are taking all precautions necessary to make sure no one else is cast in a Star Wars show — including our essential workers, who are all working on Star Wars shows.”

We asked Wilson what sort of juicy details we could expect the Mouse House to roll out about his new show, Wilson: A Star Wars Saga. He demurred, “You’ll have to wait and see. But we can promise it will offer fans another incredible galactic ride, on par with the thrills and iconic moments from Season 2 of The Mandalorian, or the upcoming series Brad Wilson’s Wife and Three Children: A Star Wars Saga. Wait.”

Wilson then hung up abruptly, thus cutting our exclusive interview short. For now, it appears we know as much as anyone else not within Disney Plus’ inner circle, or anyone who went to a Christmas party with them, or anyone who went to a New Year’s Eve party with the people who went to a Christmas party with them. For now, here’s a full list of Star Wars content, coming soon to a galaxy near you:

Star Wars: Visions — Short films debuting 2021

The Book of Boba Fett — Show Series debuting 2021

Ahsoka — Show Series debuting by 2024

Brad Wilson — Show Series debuting by 2021

Rangers of the New Republic — Show Series debuting by 2024

Andor — Show Series debuting 2022

Brad Wilson’s Wife and Three Children — Show Series debuting by 2021

Obi-Wan Kenobi — Show Series debuting before 2023

The Bad Batch — Show Series debuts 2021

Brad Wilson’s Wife’s Personal Trainer — Show Series debuting by 2021

The Acolyte — Show Series debuting by 2024

Private Eye Spying on Brad Wilson’s Wife — Show Series debuting by 2021

UberEats Driver Who Handed A Chicken Parm to Brad Wilson — Show Series debuting by 2021

Private Eye’s Wife Spying on Brad Wilson — Show Series debuting by 2021

A Droid Story — Show Series debuting by 2024

Lando — Show Series debuting by 2025

UberEats Driver’s 37 Children — Show Series debuting by 2021

Brad Wilson’s Wife’s Personal Trainer’s Entire Clientele — Show Series debuting by 2021

Babu Frik and the Lil’ Nugget Bandits — Show Series debuting by 2024

New York City School District 2 — Show Series debuting by 2021

Momentum Fitness, Manhattan — Show Series debuting by 2021

New York City — Show Series debuting by 2021

Hot C-3PO — Show Series debuting by 2023

Darth Cuomo — Show Series debuting by 2021

A Dream an X-Wing Had Once — Show Series debuting by 2024

Lookin’ Like Massachusetts as Well — Show Series debuting by 2021

Win Ben Stein’s Money: A Star Wars Saga — Show Series debuting by 2025

Ah, Fuck: Ireland — Show Series debuting by 2021

(We will update this list as more shows continue to be announced. First, just let us mosey on down to the local drugstore to kiss a water fountain right on the spigot. For good luck — it’s a superstition amongst list updaters, you wouldn’t understand)

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