Nolan Declares “Dunkirk” to be Screened Only For Women and His Drinking Buddy Corky Dunkirk

Following the world premiere of his upcoming WW2 thriller Dunkirk, director Christopher Nolan made the stunning decision to force all movie theaters nationwide to screen the film for women only, in perpetuity, except for his drinking buddy Corky Dunkirk who can also come if he wants.

“Women deserve to have a safe and welcoming environment to enjoy my ticking-clock thriller, a stirring tribute to the brave soldiers who held the beach that terrible day,” said Nolan in a statement. “Therefore, I am banning all men from any screening of the film henceforth, including myself, the men who acted in the film, and any men who worked on the crew. But Corky is chill to come, please let him buy a ticket if he wants to see it.

“It has his last name. Give him a break.”

Corky himself has no IMDB credits for the film, or almost any film at all — although he once had a walk-on role in the Sylvester Stallone drama Lock-Up. Rumors have since flown about how he, a divorced 52-year-old data analyst from Nebraska, could have ever wound up being such good friends with a superstar Hollywood director. Alas, Nolan himself is characteristically tight-lipped about his private life.

Outrage erupted over the internet, in a predictable repeat of events from when Alamo Drafthouse advertisted a women-only screening of Wonder Woman. Demand and controversy grew so high from that announcement that Alamo added another such screening, and it’s clearly had an effect on Nolan.

“Look at how great Wonder Woman did at the box office,” said Nolan as he entered my home exactly right now, almost as if he knew what I was typing and just decided to stroll in and say the perfect thing to keep the article flowing. “What was the key to its success? Women finally getting recognized for their love of cinema and purchasing power, and also Corky saw it. We had a few beers, just shot the shit for a while about Creedence and the San Jose Sharks, and then we wandered into a cinema to go see it.”

He paused, as he opened my wine cabinet and began to pour himself a glass. “I shouldn’t be telling you this, since I’m characteristically tight-lipped about my private life. But I just thought you should know I did my research on this. A movie doesn’t need men to be successful. It just needs women and my slammin’ bro Cork.”

Many of Nolan’s avid fans beg to differ.

This is the only tweet I bothered to screencap, but there are thousands more exactly like it. They all just say “fuck corky.”

“Actually, there’s another one where they make a gif of Corky getting blown up by a bomb in the trailer,” said Nolan, swigging my wine coquettishly. He is an absurdly quick drunk. “It was really mean. It’s juss a movie, you don’t havta attack my bess frien.”

Nolan smashed through the glass door to my back porch just now, making a wobbly beeline for my riding mower. Despite his dangerously reduced motor functions off of 1/6 of a glass of wine, he has fired up my mower with startling precision and speed.

“I HAVE THISS MOWER TOO BRO,” he yells from aloft my Jansen SMR-120. “FUKCIN SO SICK RIGHT” he screams, destroying my beloved summer vegetable garden in milliseconds. The sickle blade gets jammed as he collides with my toolshed and the mower is effectively halted in its tracks.

Nolan sits there in my trashed mower, going over his choices both past and present, head barely able to support his own weight anymore. Finally he speaks in a hushed tone of clarity.

“Corky took his divorce real bad man. Talkin’ bout how he has no sexual value on the dating scene anymore. Retreating into his shell. I was just tryin’ to get him out there to meet some women.

“I don’t wanna lose my frien.”

Then he vomited all over his rented suit.

Delete your life immediately