Oh No: I Urinated For Three Straight Hours During “Avengers: Endgame”

It began innocently enough. A cushy theater seat. A popped bag of corn. An usher telling us the runtime for “Avengers: Endgame” would be three hours. And me shooting a nonstop geyser of urine into the air, right as the usher said “three.”

Immediately, security tried to catch me and throw me out of the cinema. I was enraged! Me and my high-functioning bladder paid good money to be here tonight, to watch Quazbo finally jet off into the sunset with his good pal Extreme Skate Robot (the other characters I frankly knew less about). I would not stand by and let them simply toss me out on my rump, and miss all this high-powered storytelling. Thankfully, I was soaked by own powerful stream, and simply too slippery to snatch!

I ran around the theater as the lights dimmed and the fellow theatergoers screamed for me to die. My pee splashed all over the screen as, one by one, our favourite Marvel characters, those plucky schemers and dreamers, met their untimely fate in the stars:

[Warning - Spoilers for Avengers: Endgame follow. The entire plot will be revealed hence]

• Tony Stark rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Bucky rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Groot rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Hulk rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Black Panther rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Doctor Strange rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Captain Marvel rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Nebula rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Loki rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Okoye rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Drax rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Valkyrie rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Spider-Man rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Wong rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Ant-Man rides a large motorcycle meant for Quazbo
• Falcon rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Black Widow rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Hawkeye rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Mantis rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Happy Hogan rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• War Machine rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Captain America rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• It is a parade of motorcycles and look at them go
• M’Baku rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Rocket rides Extreme Skate Robot into Hell
• Pepper rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Nick Fury rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Thor finally gets his plums (big moment for the fans)
• Proxima Midnight rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Gamora rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Scarlet Witch rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Shuri rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Peggy Carter rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• The Wasp rides The Wasp (confusing)
• Vision rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Aunt May rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Maria Hill rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Thanos says “Guys, return these motorcycles where you found them”
• Korg rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Hank Pym rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Laura Barton rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Crossbones rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Ebony Maw rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child
• Thanos rides a tiny motorcycle meant for a child

But everyone had to pull out their phones and google the spoilers while the movie was happening, because I was drenching the entire screen in my urine! Through the thick yellow paste, one could barely make out what was happening. Just a cacophony of motorcycle sounds and Quazbo saying “Yes, Endgame. It is clear now.”

Everyone was yelling the spoilers to each other, trying to piece together the movie they paid to see but could only hear, as I continued to fill the room up with my body’s interior wetness. Security tried to call in the National Guard but they were swept away by the current! Soon we were all floating in my pee, heads bobbing above the waterline, stuck inside the increasingly yellow drowning trap. The pressure proved to be too much for anyone to be able to pull open the cinema doors. Escape was impossible. Only the beckoning squall of my warm amber discharge.

One by one, the Marvel fans succumbed to the liquid and drowned, bodies sinking into the depths and thudding softly on the seafloor. Three hours later, Interpol simply quarantined the area in a half-mile perimeter and sent out a little robot designed to blow up the movie theater. He also drowned in my piss, and so they sent out another little robot, designed to retrieve the first robot and flip me off as he dragged it away. This robot succeeded at both tasks and it made me feel bad.

Anyway, if you’re looking for a good time to use the restroom during Avengers: Endgame, I suggest you wait until it comes out on DVD / Blu-Ray! There’s just too much good stuff and they made the movie too long for anyone to not die by my hands.

9.5/10