Trump Fucks Dog To Death at Rally, Causes One Racist Grandma To Finally Tap Out

Brian Firenzi
3 min readAug 25, 2016


Doris Albany looks on at Trump’s latest unspeakable act at a New Hampshire rally

“All right. That’s, that’s enough. I’m done here,” said Doris Albany of Manchester, NH, politely leaving a Trump rally during a segment where he grabbed a dog and had sex with it until it died.

When questioned outside why she left, Doris took great care to first explain “I hate all of you. I hate every last one of you Jew reporters.” After a brief round of nodding from the gathered members of the press, she continued. “Okay, great. Well anyway, I liked Trump’s off-the-cuff style, I like that he says what he thinks. I think he could make America great again. But something about the way he brought that poor dog onstage and…you know…killed it in that special loving way…I just felt like that wasn’t very presidential.

“Not to say that Obama is presidential,” she immediately clarified. “I’m sure that evil man has definitely had carnal relations with many pets. I just have two dogs at home, and now I don’t know if Mr. Trump really has their best interests at heart.”

Mrs. Albany then showed us several pictures of both dogs — Roark, a Yorkie, and Galt, a Chihuahua, on her iPad. There was a photo of both of them dressed up like Javert and Valjean from Les Miserables. And another one of them sitting in a fishing boat. We made up an excuse to leave and get back into the auditorium, where Trump was still speaking.

“That was definitely…raw,” said Peter Climp, who traveled from Vermont to see Trump speak today. “Not sure if I — totally agree with it? But hey, you gotta respect a guy who says what he’s going to do and then does it. That’s what this country needs.

“Maybe if he didn’t smile so much when he was doing the deed to that little guy,” Climp continued without being prompted. “Trump’s face goin’ red and the eyes bulging out — also when he said ‘That dog won’t hunt’ over and over with each thrust. That was all a bit much. Kinda glad I didn’t take my kids outta school for this one.

“But it’s dark times, you know. Dark times in this country. So maybe it calls for dark measures. I’m sure he’s, he’s got his reasons.”

Another Trump voter, Patricia Bellamy from Maine, claims she has found her support to be re-invigorated tenfold. “That was incredible. A frightening display of sexuality and strength from the candidate, after Crooked Hillary and the press spent so much time saying he couldn’t fuck a dog to death in the news. Well, ball’s in her court now. Ball’s in her court.

“If I had one note to give, it would have been to save it for the end where it could’ve had the most impact. He’s mostly just following it up by breathing really heavily, drinking water, and fumbling with his belt buckle. And mumbling ‘Oh yeah, oh yeah, so good, so gooooood’ a lot. I’d save all that stuff for backstage. He’s gotta stay on-message now.”

Back outside of the auditorium at the food court, Doris picked at her Sbarro listlessly.

“I’m…gonna sit this November out, I think,” she said. “Not sure what I’m gonna tell the other girls — we always get together on Election Day and really do it up with the stars and stripes and everything. I’ll still do the Republican bake sale on Saturday because I promised Alice I would. But now I don’t think I can take my dogs there. Just not safe for them. Roark can take care of himself, you know, but Galt is so little.”

From inside the auditorium, one could hear Trump faintly over the loudspeakers. “How ‘bout when I fucked that dog to death 20 minutes ago, huh? Huh?!” He yelled, pumping the crowd up. A small smattering of applause accompanied him. “That was great. Just great. Don’t even remember the little bastard’s name. They told me, I don’t remember.”

Doris took a swig of Diet Coke. “It was Riley.”