Trump’s Stirring Speech Unites Nation
“Guurrrrrr burrrrprrrrr bigurrrrrrrrrrr,” said our nation’s 45th President Donald J. Trump today, in regards to the horrific violence visited upon counter-protestors in Charlottesville N.C. “Uh dunnnninnnnnn The Apprentice.”
After white-nationalists bearing the Nazi and Confederate flags swarmed the statue of Thomas Jefferson in Charlottesville, chanting famous Nazi slogans such as “Blood and Soil,” the world watched with baited breath to see what the leader of the free world had to say in response. But nothing yet from our tireless champion.
As news broke of a car driving through a crowd of peaceful counter-protestors, killing one and injuring several more, the pressure was on for Trump to unite us under a banner of peace. He began his speech, as always, leading from strength.
“CCOOOOOPS! KILLLLLLL,” roared Trump for 10 solid minutes from his golf getaway in New Jersey as his dump of a White House is undergoing renovation. “Booooth sidessssss angry. Sad! Angry sad. Sangry! I wannnnn fuccccckk my daughhhter.”
Drool sloughed down the three chins of our fabulous President-elect as he started swiveling his head erratically. His handlers stood at either ends of the podium, crouched and prepared to catch him if he fell. But as later became clear, the President was merely trying to find a television set with Fox & Friends, as it wasn’t quite “Happy News Portfolio” time and he needed a quick fix of reassurance. His adult diaper swelled with the freedom of the eagles as he resumed, under great duress and lack of compliments.
“Wann go backk. Wann make Korema go boom. Everyone! I STAMP my feet an say BAD KOREMA, NO GOOD, I STOP YOU OR YOU DIE. Remembember?” Urine trickled down the billowing pant legs of his Frankenstein-sized suit as he continued.
“I wann go backk. Wan go bak. Wangobac. W’ngbckk.” He huddled in the fetal position, shitting himself and weeping for days long gone. An aide approached to help carry him offstage, which briefly resulted in Trump mistaking the aide for his daughter Ivanka. After a few awkward seconds of trying to plant kisses on the lips and chest of the aide, Trump remembered where he was and wiped his mouth off on his jumbo tie.
“Libearlas need to stoooop all th violnce.” He said. “Liberaals. Kill. Sad.”
Trump was then escorted into his zoom cart so he could go back to the green place, making all the little balls go whack, as a nation slept peacefully knowing they would once again be restored to tranquility.
