A while ago, it hit me that Millenials are rapidly approaching middle age, and we don’t yet have our own mid-life crisis movie. Boomers have American Beauty, Gen X have…ones that didn’t win as many Oscars (sorry Gen X, but they’re definitely out there: While We’re Young, Brad’s Status, After Midnight, it goes on). So I thought I’d take a stab at writing the first.

But a Millenial’s midlife crisis doesn’t look like theirs. Mid-life crisis movies are usually about someone coming to the halfway point in their lives and realizing their house, their car, their family…it didn’t all turn…

MANHATTAN — As COVID-19 cases surge around the country and hospitals are forced to turn ambulances away, more grim news is on the horizon: Scientists at Disney Plus headquarters have proven unable to contain the strain of Star Wars shows originally developed in 2020, recommending immediate national quarantine.

The Novel Groguvirus, or GROVID-20, “has metastasized beyond control” says Brad Wilson, Disney Plus’ executive VP of performance marketing. “As we speak, I am currently the leading role of a new Star Wars show and am forced to stay at home to prevent any interesting plotlines from developing. …

Meet Quaboo, the friendly ghost who’s trying to sell a pilot to Quibi.

Herewith are the collected works from the live Quibi pilot-writing streams, airing on twitch.tv/bfirenzi during the month of April, 2020. NSFW.

Pilot #1: Jimmy Stewart Adventures

In which America’s treasure is enlisted by three ghosts to defeat evil.

Pilot 2: Worst Breakup Stories

A man recounts his worst breakup: Prom night, at his girlfriend’s dad’s house.

Pilot 3: Waterwold — The Series

The continuing adventures of Kevin Costner’s fish mutant, and his new squire’s trauma.

Pilot 4: Meat Stories

Boxes of meat recount the spooky stories of the gruesome origins of their contents.

Pilot 5: Island Time Casino

A tale of unrequited lust, guns, and theme songs.

Starting at 5 PM on November 21st, 2019, I began streaming live on Twitch, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter, and started tapping away in a Final Draft file. I didn’t stop until almost 4 AM the next day.

Proof of my sin

What transpired in between was a war crime, and if you weren’t there to witness it, now you can read it.

It’s based on a very real promotional event for Avengers: Endgame that happened earlier this year: A non-stop, 19-movie Marvel marathon, held over 59 straight hours at participating AMC theaters, that many people attended without bludgeoning each other to death and tearing…

The internet complained vociferously upon release of the new Sonic the Hedgehog trailer, with thousands of tweets slamming the visual effects — and incredibly, Hollywood has listened to their cries. For the first time perhaps ever, the creative team behind the Sega mascot’s first live-action movie will go back to their computers, get their render farms fired up once more, and actually add human testicles to Detective Pikachu.

Jeff Fowler, the director of Sonic, weighed in on Twitter with the historic decision.

It began innocently enough. A cushy theater seat. A popped bag of corn. An usher telling us the runtime for “Avengers: Endgame” would be three hours. And me shooting a nonstop geyser of urine into the air, right as the usher said “three.”

Immediately, security tried to catch me and throw me out of the cinema. I was enraged! Me and my high-functioning bladder paid good money to be here tonight, to watch Quazbo finally jet off into the sunset with his good pal Extreme Skate Robot (the other characters I frankly knew less about). I would not stand by…

[SPOILER ALERT: Read at your own peril.]

The trailers may have sold Avengers: Infinity War as the thrilling conclusion to a decade-long franchise, with operatic grandeur and terrifying life-or-death stakes, but audiences will be in for a shock. Nearly every line from the film’s all-powerful villain Thanos is a gut-busting quip, and actually you know what, I’m sick of this bullshit by now.

The tone is set right away when Thanos first appears, warping onto planet Earth about to throw down with our heroes. “Is it the lines on my face?” He says, cutting into the dramatic silence as Captain…

AUSTIN — Fresh out of the premiere of the much-awaited geekstravaganza, fan reaction is mixed over director Steven Spielberg’s adaptation of Ready Player One. Based on Ernie Cline’s novel about an orphan boy’s quest to win the keys to a virtual reality kingdom, the film was equally packed with references to 80’s pop culture. Eagle eyes in the audience would be able to spot callbacks to Batman, the Ninja Turtles, Gundam Wing and more.

However, there is one relic of the 1980s who makes an overlong appearance in RPO that has left viewers perplexed and dismayed. I speak, of course…

You’re afraid of something.

Maybe you didn’t amount to all that you thought you could have. Maybe you feel like your life is going down the drain, or worse, nowhere at all. You think about chances you didn’t take, things unsaid. The songs you used to listen to from those days comes echoing back, or maybe you put those old records on in an attempt to get closure or answers.

Now, artists can only share their own life, and hope some part of it resonates with you. Some don’t even bother with doing that, and that’s fine too. …

This was my childhood, don’t fucking do this to me

In the wake of damning reports from The New York Times and other publications that have brought down sexual assaulters Kevin Spacey, Louis C.K. and Harvey Weinstein, please God, please, oh my God please not this one.

Bill Watterson, creator of the unimpeachable classic comic strip “Calvin & Hobbes,” was set today to debut a brand-new book of strips detailing the further adventures of the beloved Calvin and his stuffed pet tiger Hobbes. However, murmurs of an upcoming New York Times article have caused him to shutter the book premiere and cancel his promotional guest appearance on Conan.

God is…

Brian Firenzi

Delete your life immediately

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